Meh
I’m tired of treating God like an ATM.
Whenever I pray, I’m always asking for something, wanting something, for myself, those near me, or those for whom I have promised to pray. Lately, I haven’t felt like praying at all, and just get the bare minimum in to ask for the blessings and protection that I systematically want for others. Just checking off a task on a to-do list: ”That’s them prayed for.”
Is this being a Christian?
I’m not feeling it right now. Not in my head, not in my heart, not in my soul. And as I try to finish my memoir about my conversion story, I wonder exactly how converted am I, really? How can I write a single word when, at the moment, I’m experiencing no sincerity?
Aware that I may be admitting things that could destroy my “image” here, I’m writing and posting anyway, because I’m a human being who is struggling. Yes, I’ve written a book that was published by Sophia Institute Press, was interviewed by Al Kresta, appeared twice on EWTN — and my current relationship with God seems merely transactional. None of the deep, heartfelt prayers that come from my soul on days that aren’t like this.
Heavy sigh.
How do I get out of this?
This is where you would expect me to share some kind of an answer. But I don’t have any right now, not for you, not for me. It feels like I’m possibly waiting for something, something gorgeous to come surging through me, and meanwhile I’m just pushing the buttons on the God ATM because I’m supposed to, or whatever. Maybe I’m meant to go out and find the something, first needing to crawl out of this clinging suit of self-loathing, “people” loathing, loathing in general.
But I don’t want to.
One day, at the end of days, we may finally realize, with the full clarity of knowing, the merciful patience of God.
But this week I’m just…
Meh.
Postscript: I wrote this Saturday, July 18th without knowing what the Sunday readings were. When I heard Romans 8:26-27, I spied something of an answer. Maybe I, a writer, have simply become sick of words. In Heaven, I imagine, there is no need for words?
© 2026 Christina Chase
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Christina Chase View All
Although crippled by disease, I'm fully alive in love. I write about the terrible beauty and sacred wonder of life, while living with physical disability and severe dependency. A revert to the Catholic faith through atheism, I'm not afraid to ask life's big questions. I explore what it means to be fully human through my weekly blog and have written a book: It's Good to Be Here, published by Sophia Institute Press.
Christina Chase 
One of the books I read for work was by a woman married to a man with autism. She loved him dearly and frequently told him so, but love was a word that did not cross his lips.
One day she asked him about this.
He replied, ‘I told you I loved you once and I haven’t changed my mind. If I change my mind I’ll tell you.’
Sometimes I remember to list people’s names as I pass their house, sometimes I forget, but my default position, were it worthy of the name, would be to call down eternal joy on them who touched my life.
God bless
Maurice.
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