Manna in Sickness

One Sunday a few weeks ago, while receiving Holy Communion, I realized that Jesus wants my heart. Sure, as Christians we’ve heard that kind of thing before, but sometimes it’s just so many words, you know? Religion can seem like that on our not so good days or maybe even just normal days. But then there are those days, those small moments, when we have clarity, when the busyness that surrounds us falls away, and the light of God shines in to our souls.

So, it was one of those kinds of moments.

What does it mean? What does it mean that Jesus wants my heart? What did it mean when I, in that clear moment, desired to give my heart to Jesus? I think the rest of my life is going to answer that question. Because, like all things with God Who is mystery, infinite, eternal, holy, there is no quick and easy answer to put into words.

When I made a personal act of consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus in 2013, I didn’t really know what it meant. I probably still don’t, I’m just trying to live it. But I think I’ve been making a mistake, in that I’ve been trying to give my heart to Jesus. Maybe it doesn’t work like that. Either my heart is His or it isn’t. There is no actual action involved. I love the Lord or I don’t. I live in that love or I don’t. This is nothing to worry about, this isn’t even something to do, this is just the way of life, how to be.

And what does that mean?

The Desert of Sickness

I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks with chest congestion from a cold, which is always an ordeal for me, involving assistance to actually cough and much medicine to get the mucus moving out. What might take another two coughs to clear, might take me two hours. Thanks be to God, I am improving. I was hoping to improve so much that I would be able to attend the Mass dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus on June 12. It became clear, however, that I won’t make it to church, which is one of the reasons that I wanted to post this reflection, an offering to the Sacred Heart of Jesus through you, dear reader. (Maybe that’s supposed to be the other way around — offering it to you through the Sacred Heart, but I don’t think so. The mantra of the consecration is, “All for you, Most Sacred Heart of Jesus.”)

Anyway, during my sickness, I’ve been trying to offer up my suffering to Jesus, in reparation for the sins against His Sacred Heart. This seems to be the most important part of the Consecration, but I admit that I don’t really know what it means. Maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe I don’t even need to offer the suffering, as in making an act of giving. Maybe I just need to let God love me in the suffering. Maybe I just need to be quiet in my heart to know that Jesus is there and allow myself to be there too. I allowed this quiet knowledge to fill my heart three nights ago, a night when I was suffering quite a bit, and the reality of it was peace. “Love me in this moment, Lord.”

Love comes first. This is what I’ve learned in Christianity. No matter what you are trying to understand about the religion, about the Church, about Sacred Scripture, about your relationship with God, about your relationship with yourself, about your relationship with others, about your eternal destiny — love comes first. “We love because God first loved us.” And to love… Love is everything. Yes, love is a choice. Yes, love takes action. But first, there is love.

So I’m just going to be quiet and let God love me, to know that Jesus in His Sacred Heart is loving me in every beat of my heart and His.

If there’s more, then it will follow this first awareness — this love.

“Seek first the kingdom.” (Matthew 6:33) “The kingdom is within you.” (Luke 17:21)

Gifts Received

While I’ve been sick, we celebrated The Feast of Corpus Christi. Like the Sunday before, I was far too sick to attend, but our Deacon brought me Holy Communion. Later, I watched a broadcast of the mass for the day and heard the readings, which included this passage from Deuteronomy, a passage which felt like a description of my life in the moment:

“Do not forget the LORD, your God … who guided you through the vast and terrible desert with its saraph serpents and scorpions, its parched and waterless ground; who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock and who fed you in the desert with manna, a food unknown to your fathers.”

In the parched, dry desert of my sickness with its serpents and scorpions, God has given me a little flake of insight, the insight that love comes first. That before I offer myself to Jesus, I need to let Jesus love me, to be with Him in my heart. That does feel like manna, divine nourishment, a sustenance unknown to me before the sickness. I’ve also been able to survive in the parched dryness of this desert through the loving care given to me by my parents — my elderly parents, who go above and beyond despite their own health issues to care for me. This is the power of God: to bring forth strength from even flinty rocks, even the old age of my parents. God works through them to sustain me.

Alleluia. God is good.

© 2026 Christina Chase